Creating the Relationship You Love
Part One: Changing Your Beliefs and Making New Choices
You’ve probably heard the definition, “Insanity is doing the same thing, over and over again, but expecting different results.” ― Narcotics Anonymous
It’s a good bet that you, just like all of us, want to make more money, have a great partner, enjoy a deeply loving relationship, cherish good friends, and live in a nice place to live…. Right? So, now I just have to ask, what have you done different today or recently to get you closer to what you want? Have you done anything different? Yes or no? Be honest about this. If you’re like the big majority of us, the answer is no! We been doing the same thing day in and day out and getting the same results.
Well, it looks like you are expecting things to get better and yet you’re doing the same things many times over. I’m not saying you’re insane or anything. What I want you to get is that if you’re doing the same thing repeatedly and you’re not getting closer to what you want, then you’re stuck. You’re stuck and will stay stuck until something changes.
Now you might ask, “Well, why am I stuck?” That’s a great question. Every day – all the time – you’re taking actions based on what your beliefs tell, indicate, or inform you to do. The beliefs you’re using to choose your responses are made up of inputs from your consciousness, subconsciousness, and feelings (stored in your body). I bet you’re getting really curious about where all this stuff comes from that makes up our beliefs and is telling you what to do all the time.
There are PHDs who will give you complicated answers. Here is my simple version. Up to the age of about eight, you naturally and without thinking learned to talk, walk, run, laugh, smile, do math, be social, love your parents, etc…. You auto-magically learned by watching, trying, seeing what worked and what didn’t. You created stories and beliefs based on your experiences and understanding that this is how I, others, and life work. You learned 90-plus percent of what you know by the time you were 8 years old. The more times something worked the same way, the more you believed it to be true and the stronger your belief grew.
You see, we human beings are expert story- and meaning-making machines. If we see the same things, experiences, stories, or meanings showing up over and over again, then we take them to be true. So true that we’ll defend them in an argument or a fight. We thus created, from our family, environment, and life experiences, our own unique set of beliefs that we believe are true, keep us safe, keep us from being alone, help us to succeed, define how we treat ourselves and others, and shows us how to live every day. Your beliefs, the meanings you created, are your own personal understandings of yourself, others, and life. No one ever had the same experiences as you, so no one will ever have the same beliefs as you.
When we “think or know” that our personal beliefs, perspectives, points of view, and truths are right, we’re closed to new ideas and ways of looking at ourselves, others, and life. We then are stuck operating in a Programmed Operating Model with our own static beliefs, ways of doing things, and life. Very few things can or will change.
As you can see in the Programmed Operating Model, when you’re operating from your static beliefs and taking the same actions, you and your partner are going to be having the same issues and same arguments until something changes. This is why you feel like you and your partner keep going around and round on the same difficulties and you feel more frustrated, less connected, and less loved as time goes by.
The good news is your beliefs are meant to change and grow as you do. You can be open to change if you’re willing to really listen to your heart, to what others are saying, and to new ideas and ways of looking at things. With a different perspective, you can choose to try new actions and see what works better for you and for others. With new beliefs and new choices, you start living in an empowered Expanded Operating Model of continuous improvement – continuously improving your relationship!
The model shows how you can be an empowered positive agent of change. By changing your belief and choosing to take a new action, you can see a ripple-through effect with your partner. Your new action will likely cause your partner to take a new action which will generate a new response and consequence for you. This is how you can start changing your relationship in the direction of deeper connection, trust, and love.
Now that you understand and can start practicing living using the Expanded Operating Model, you are able to bring the benefits of continuous improvement into your relationship. In each of the next five “Creating the Relationship You Love” articles, we will be providing some new beliefs and actions that you can begin using in your relationship with the Expanded Operating Model. You’ll be on your way to creating more growth, learning, fun, love, and joy in your life and the relationship you love.
I offer my services as an expert transformational life coaches that quickly and efficiently provides the training, practice, and experience to create a great 5 Star relationship. I believe and have seen with my many clients that investing in learning about yourself and how to have a great relationship has the greatest Happiness and love ROI (Return ON Investment). Once you get it, you have it for the rest of your life.
